


Chemistry

by Mechayoshi



Category: Mario Kart (Video Games), Mario Party - Fandom, Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Super Mario Bros. (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, Memes, Meta, Other, Parody, fandom wank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-05-19 20:50:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14880971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mechayoshi/pseuds/Mechayoshi
Summary: Current saga: Super Crowns. In the world of Mario, why does THIS character and THAT character hate each other? A series of fandom wank and meta commentary on silly roster choices and/or rivalries, memes, and more in the Mario universe. Starring: Everyone!… eventually...just give it time!





	1. Super Sluggers Shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newly edited to be less awful looking! Enjoy!

# Scenario 1: Shaggy Dog

Toadette marched down the street gang style with her good chemistry pals, Peach, Birdo, Toad, Toadsworth, Noki, and Pink Mii. It was a warm sunny day in the Mushroom Kingdom and they were heading down to the park where they would continue to own Toad Town with their tight friendship and good chemistry, or at least while playing baseball..

Peach whipped back her blond ponytail. She was wearing her signature sports attire consisting of a pink tank top and shorts. “It's great to have such amazing friends, isn't it?” she asked her friends.

Birdo straightened her bow. She had no special outfit, but she proudly wore a diamond ring (rumored to be a gift from Yoshi) that glistened in the sunlight. “Of course darling! We have the best fun!” However when her eyes locked with the blonde princess standing on the other side of Toadette, a spark ignited between the two.

“I can't stand you, Birdo!” Peach spat as she stopped walking and crossed her arms. “I’ve hated you since SMB2! You are always spitting eggs ever where you go! How unladylike!! Also as if-”

“Go there darling, and I will slap you to the dream world again,” Birdo warned, glaring back.

Toadette held her arms out to keep them apart. “Guys! I mean, girls! Stop!!!”

Toadsworth guffawed. “Indeed, young ladies! Cannot our mutual love for Toadette be the sticky paste that gels us together?”

Toadette gave the elder a weird look. “Umm, that’s one way to put it, but let's keep it at having good results on the baseball field.”

“This is about baseball?” Jelectro Bond, the Noki asked. “I feel I am in the wrong story.”

Toad grabbed a handful of the popcorn he had. “Anyway, of course you belong. All Nokis love Toadette, and we're the Toadette Typhoons, right? So are we gonna have a cat fight or not?” Toad asked, looking at Peach and Birdo ammusingly.

BEEP BEEP. A car loudly honked at the septet. They were in the middle of the street after all. Everyone immediately got on the sidewalk but Birdo and Peach still avoided eye contact, Toadsworth stood too close to Toadette, Jelectro was still confused, and Toad and Pink Mii continued to stand around happy to be alive.

Toadette was already feeling exhausted. Having so many allies was fine during a heated baseball game. How they behaved off the field was the issue...“Let's just get to the park already so we can chillax..”

“I’ve never been to the park before,” the pink Mii piped up. She was a really shy and basic looking Mii with nondescript features almost as if someone created a default Mii and didn’t personalize it at all. Still, she got along with Toadette and that was all that mattered.

“It’ll be fine,” Toadette assured her.

But it wasn’t because when they rounded around the block, Toadette's arch-enemy Bowser, Goomba, and Paragoomba cut them off.

“Well look at these losers!” Bowser teased. He and the goombas stood in a line, taking up the whole sidewalk.

Toadette turned red in frustration. “We just wanna go to the park! Can’t a toad relax for once?! Uh oh!-” She abruptly leaned over and fell to the ground, feeling sick. A second later the same happened to Peach, Toad, and Toadsworth. They joined Toadette on the hot concrete sidewalk and were too weak to stand.

“We... all hate Bowser, Goomba, and Paragoomba for…. obvious reasons.... Our fielding stats will now suffer...” Toadette gasped, even though they were nowhere near a baseball stadium.

Bond scratched his head. “Excusez moi?”

Birdo shook her head in pittance. “Bad chemistry, dear.”

“That's right pipsqueak!....Wait, I don't feel so good...” The extra large goomba stumbled forwards and hit the sidewalk with a thud. “I just HATE Toad and Toadsworth! They think they're better than me!”

Bond lifted his sunglasses. “Richard? Is that you? I feel we should know each other.”

“I don't know you from Adam, shortie!” Dick stammered. “And we definitely don’t know each other from another story or somethin’!”

Bowser gave Richard a passing glance and shrugged. “That was weird.. So anyway, I’m glad I’m so awesome I bring you to your knees!-”

“Ah-hem! Bad chemistry is mutual, honey.” Birdo said offhandedly.

Bowser then fell out to the ground in another thud, because he had bad chemistry with Peach, Toad, Toadette, and Toadsworth. “How is this happening?! Besides I secretly love Peach!!!”

Peach opened one eye despite her weakening. “Bowser you fool, that's no secret!”

Now only Birdo, Bond, Pink Mii, and Paragoomba were left standing with their comrades laying around them, like the aftermath of a fierce battle only not, because this situation was stupid.

“What's it gonna be?” the Paragoomba teased. “I got no bad chemistry, what about you all?”

“I am still not sure why I'm here, but I have an odd dislike for Bowser Junior and Petey,” Bond replied. “Junior put a dent on my one million coin Aston Mushroom with his bike and never paid for it. Petey literally ate me on a spy mission, but I would rather not speak about that.”

The paragoomba thought for a moment. “That Junior brats not in this story, and Petey Piranha got departed somewhere when WiiU came out. Or not. Guess that joke made since in an earlier draft of this story. Looks like you're safe, noki spy dude. What about you?” He looked to Birdo.

She put her hand on her hip. “I cannot stand Peach, Tiny Kong, Wario, Blooper, and Waluigi.”

“Peach? Why did she not make you physically ill before?” Bond asked.

“I guess our mutual friendship with Toadette canceled out the worse effects. And besides, Peach now is on the floor knocked out, like she should be!”

The paragoomba smirked. “Oooh! You two got some bad history, don't ya?”

Birdo huffed. “She's only the stupidest blonde ever! And Tiny? Such a tease. Wario, Blooper and Waluigi are just gross!”

“I do not think I understand how these chemistry rules work, but now what?” Bond asked.

“Leave?” Birdo asked. Birdo, Bond and paragoomba dropped whatever confrontation there was supposed to be, and left everyone else on the floor. Because their chemistry was bad with each other, no one was ever able to move again, thus making this a pointless (shaggy dog) story.

* * *

## Scenario 2: Buddy Jump?

## 

Mario and Bowser were in the center and left outfield together, respectively. Why a player would do that is unknown, but anyway King Boo was at the bat and predictably got a great hit, sending the ball screaming right between the hero and villain.

“Out of the way, plumber! It's mine!” Bowser growled. His heavy feet moved rapidly in an attempt to follow the ball's shadow.

“It's too high, we'll have to buddy jump!” Mario called, having reached the wall before Bowser.

The ball was about to leave the field when Bowser caught up.

“It's now or never! Trust me!” Mario urged.

Bowser shot him a look. “Well okay, come here!”

They stood by each other to activate the move, but something went wrong. Mario picked up Bowser instead of Bowser picking up Mario. The unnatural power of bad chemistry made Mario fling Bowser over the wall into the audience. Popcorn and hot dogs went everywhere as Bowser’s massive body belly flopped on the stadium seats and audience. Meanwhile, the ball continued souring and went into space resulting in a grand slam with King K. Rool, Funky Kong, and Wario already on bases. King Boo's team won 4-0.

Later…

Mario and Bowser, were standing around in the baseball center lobby, because they weren’t allowed in the party room.

Bowser punched Mario’s shoulder.

“Oww!”

“That’s for making me lose, plumber.” Bowser growled.

Mario distanced himself from the Koopa King. “I think we did the best we could considering we were the only players on our team!”

Just then, Toadsworth entered through the glass doors to the lobby. He had a noticeable tan, as if he’d been lying in the sun on a sidewalk, but that’s oddly specific imagery, isn’t it? His shuffle became a brisk walk the moment he noticed Mario and Bowser.

“Tally ho, Master Mario! The Koopa King is right behind you!” Toadsworth called as he approached.

“I know,” Mario muttered, holding his sore shoulder.

“Shut up,” Bowser growled.

Toadsworth slowed down to his usual slow pace with a relieved look. “I apologize. It escaped me that you two were the losing team earlier. I had heard that you were partnered with someone unexpected but I assumed that to be anyone but that tyrant!”

“Watch it, old man!” Bowser warned, smoke threatening to pour from his nostrils.

“Well I am proud to announce this!”

“What?” Mario asked.

Toadsworth handed Mario a paper. It read that Mario and Bowser's team would be given the win because King Boo was discovered to have been using illegal Boo vitamins, King K. Rool had threatened a coach, Wario had bribed someone, and everyone realized that it was ridiculous that Funky was using a surfboard as a bat.

“We won?! I was wondering why I just saw those four being escorted and tazed and beaten repeatedly by the security guards..”

Bowser snatched the paper from Mario’s hand. “What? Hey, we did!”

“Congratulations Master Mario… And Bowser though he does not deserve-” Toadsworth’s voice was cut off Bowser’s flame breath.

Later again...  
Mario and Bowser were standing outside the baseball pavilion with ribbons around their necks. Mario looked at his appreciatively. “We might not work well together, but I guess it's good we didn't cheat!”

Bowser responded by punching him in the shoulder again as a spaceship came out of nowhere. Princess Rosalina came out of the spaceship holding a ball, her delicate features twisted in annoyance.

“Who sent this spherical object of death into space?! It broke a window in my bedroom and made all of the Lumas cry!”

“Run!” Mario said.  
**Fin!**

 

_(Teaser for next time!)_

A tale begins with a quote from “SuperLuigi13” of Gamefaqs.

“Bowser Jr.: Dad, what's the roster say about the baby count"

Bowser: IT'S OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....I mean 5...”

 

_**Created: 4/23/18, 4/24 ******_ ********

********

Author note: Jelectro Bond is the telepathic spy from Mario and Bowser: Frenemies Forever, in case no one gets it. Richard the goomba is too.


	2. The Baby Clone Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preface: The baby count? About five too many! 
> 
> Also Luigi will save the day by doing absolutely something. But what will he do? Read to find out!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My non sequitur comedy series from FF.net is now being imported here! Enjoy!

# Chemistry Returns (The Baby Clone Wars)

So the mushroom kingdom had this awesome daycare for two years olds. They got to play around in go-karts, interact with various eccentric characters for a unique learning experience, and good performance awarded them valuable prizes. The only downside was that injuries were common.

Oh wait. That's not a daycare. It's MARIO KART.

-FLASH BACK-

Mario and his friends were throwing darts at a board to come up with ideas.

“Okay so we've tried racing on a normal track, racing in the sky, underwater, in space, on the moon, on a farm, on a highway with cars still on it, etc. What else?”

Peach daintily wave a clothe in the air. "Oh Mario!"

"Yes princess?"

"Why don’t we have a race in my backyard? Teehee hee!!” <3”

Mario rubbed his chin. “Umm. I think we did that once or twice. But..” Mario snapped his fingers. “I know, at the climax, we’ll race through a giant cake of yours!”

Peach turned red and frightening looking. “How dare you!!!”

Mario chuckled. “Just kidding! Heh heh.. Anyone else?”

“HEY HEY HEY! PICK LUIGI!” The tall green plumber jumped up and down.

Mario point to Yoshi. “Hey you.”

Yoshi got off of the log he was sitting on. “Me? I dunno. When’s lunch?”

“LUIGI LUIGI!!”

Mario scanned his friends. But no one was putting forth an effort, aside from that green person. What was his name again? So they were there all day. Lunch was skipped, everyone got restless and the sun was setting.

Mario yawned. “Umm…..Luigi?”

Luigi finally settled down. “Okay so you have this really really basic track with no…”

“We have that. It’s called Mario circuit.” Mario smiled. 

“No no no no no. Even more basic. More basic than basic. So basic, I can even win it with that half broken controller we give our guests to use.”

“Hey!” Daisy snapped. “No wonder my win percentage plummets when we have game night over your place!”

“What is a controller?” Peach asked with a quizzical look. 

“So for babies?” Yoshi asked. 

Luigi paused. “Will that make my idea original?”

“Yes,” Mario said. 

“Then that’s totally what I meant!” 

LATER THAT DAY (OR BASICALLY LATE EVENING)

Mario was putting up signs all over the mushroom kingdom for ‘BABIES WANTED’. He left them at gas stations, stores, street poles, people that stood still too long, the roads, on top of other signs, in mailboxes, from door to door, etc.

LATERER THAT DAY (SO NIGHTTIME?)

Mario and Luigi were home in pajamas doing nothing but watching late night shows when someone pounded on the door.

“We’re the police! Open up!”

Luigi flushed. “Bro. D-do you think they found out about..”

Mario winked. “Nope. We have basement for the reason. Here I come!”

Mario opened the door and was promptly tackled down by a police officer whomp. 

“You’re under arrest for suspicious baby laundering schemes!” the other officer, a human with a big shiny badge said.

“WUT?” Mario asked as he was being beaten.

“Yeah, this is just for Mario cart.”

Luigi was tackled down too.

“You’re under arrest for spelling ‘kart’ wrong… or right.”

“Momma-mia!” both brothers screamed.

THE NEXT DAY AFTER SENTENCING

Luigi was walking out of the Mushroom Kingdom jail, sill suited in orange. Thankfully he only had to be in there for a day, but Mario wouldn’t get out for another week due to eating other prisoners food because it happened to be italian pasta day, and attempting to fix the broken plumbing that was supposed to be broken on purpose. 

Luigi was sitting home alone during a sudden storm that was sweeping through the Mushroom Kingdom. Thunder clapped and lightning frequently flashing in the windows. After a while there was a knock on the door and he could tell it wasn’t Mario’s knock. 

“Oh no! I better setup some zany traps to thwart any intruders,” Luigi thought.

So he set some really simple stuff as the knocking continued. Luigi then peeked from the blinds and saw the shadowy person walking away in the wind. He sighed out of relief.

“Guess that was pointless. Oh well.”

Luigi turned around and activated a trip wire. Suddenly some toast popped out of a toaster which gently touched a bowling ball which rolled down a ramp and landed on an air pump which blew up a balloon that flew through the sky that hit some dominos that knocked over a candle which ignited some firecrackers which sparked in the sky which scared the cat goomba sleeping under the couch which sprang on Luigi and sunk it’s claws right in his-

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Resounded through the entire house.

The door was barged down. “Yes! My plan worked!” King Boo gloated. 

Luigi turned around still screaming. “AHHHHHHH!”

“AHHHHH!” King Boo screamed.

“MEOOOOOOOW!” went the cat goomba. The feline mushroom then sprang on King Boo’s face.

“AHHHHH AGAIN!” 

Luigi recovered instantly because of reasons (see Mario Tennis Aces) and zapped King Boo with the Poltergust 9999. This new model was so advanced that it only looked like a hand held vacuum cleaner yet it made King Boo disappear instantly and even had other features like channeling Prof. E. Gadd directly to the location of the incident if need be. A vortex appeared out of nowhere and he dropped down, landing straight on his butt.

“Ooof! Where am I?” The professor asked. 

Luigi put the Poltergust away. “Oh, I was just attacked”

“Oh my!” He hopped right up and grabbed a device  from his jacket pocket. “I’m going to run a detailed analysis on this entire area for-”

“Oh I already took care of it.”

Old bespectacled professor slumped down. “I was just about to test my New Switch Horror for the first time. It even had a neat cover plate.”

Luigi smiled. “Oh okay, go ahead.”

He cut it on and was waiting on the Apple logo. “Er uh this is so new Nintendo doesn't know about it. But I had to candiblize some parts..”

“Fine...but check for babies in the area.”

“Yes I can do that!” A ‘Marimba’ tone played from the device. “There are ZERO in the area!”

“Aww, I needed them for Mario kart. I mean, that’s illegal but-”

“Illegal you say? It is but not if you are the baby!”  
Luigi frowned. “Umm…”

“No, I mean if we created babies based on your DNA the police can’t arrest you for laundering yourself.”

Luigi frowned even more. “That sounds worse, honestly.”

The professor slumped again and trudged to the door. “Okay Luigi. I’m just going to walk all the way to my cold remote research location in Boo Woods.. In the rain..alone…”

Luigi rolled his eyes. “Okay….”

E. Gadd turned spun on his heels with a twinkle in his eye, undetectable under his swirly eyewear...

A WEEK LATER

Mario was out on probation and the show went on! Everyone was racing on Luigi Circuit, specifically the infamous Mario Kart Wii version that’s so easy it’s easy to lose badly if you get hit by just one item. Lakitu made the call and twelve racers were off, except one.

“Goo goo,” said Baby Luigi, a toddler who had a pudgy but somewhat long body and green and blue overalls along with a too large Luigi cap. 

“What’s this?” the Lakitu announcer said. The cameras shifted from the fierce battle happening between the first and second place racers to Baby Luigi at the starting line. “Do we have a real baby racer today?”

In the annoncer office a human and whomp police office holding donuts and coffee, came up to see what was going on.

Lakitu turned to them. “Oh it’s no need, Chief Inspector Douglas and Sergeant Howie. Since both Luigi and his baby form are present at the same time, you can’t arrest him for abusing himself. It’s all good!” 

Meanwhile back in the race, Baby Luigi placed twelfth but afterwards, everyone crowded around him and his Bullet Bike, even more so than the winner.

“Hey!” Daisy screamed. She held the gold trophy angily above her head. “I raced against a Funky Kong in a Flame Runner and won. And I was handicapping myself by using a kart. A KAAAAARRRT!”

“Luigi is soooo cute,” Peach said, ignoring that.

Luigi blushed. “Thanks!”

“I mean the baby.”

“He is,” Mario agreed. “Aren’t you a cute plumber!” he teased, tickling Luigi’s stomach.

“Mario, you’re tickling the adult me, not the baby!” 

“I know.” Mario smiled.

Baby Luigi stopped playing and laughing. He even began crying. The adult racers around him panicked.

“Oh no, we broke the baby!” Yoshi said. “Or, he just knows that ‘shippers’ should not go there..”

“What is a ship?” Peach asked with a quizzical look. 

“Hey what’s that sound?” Lakitu asked, coming out of the announcers office to check on everyone.

“This thing that Prof E. Gadd invented called a b-a-b-y. It’s making this odd noise…” Luigi explained. “Like, maybe we should cut it on and off again?”

“Wait, I got this!” Bowser Junior stuck a pacifier in Baby Luigi’s mouth. “There. See, I got seven other siblings.”

“But aren’t you the youngest?” Mario asked.

“Yes...and??”

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

Everyone was meeting back at the unspecified location they were first discussing Mario Kart ideas. Once again there was a distinct lack of creativity and ideas among everyone. Mario angrily scratched out everything on the board. 

“Bro. Deep breaths!” Luigi said.

“I’m fine. Here’s the idea: Do more of what we just did!”

So Prof E. Gadd was contacted to created more clones of random characters using hair samples. Mario and friends even got some of Rosalina’s hair somehow. These five human babies were precious little darlings. Or were they??

They attempted more, but clones of Yoshi, Diddy Kong, Donkey Kong, Funky Kong, King Boo, Toad, Bowser, Birdo, and Dry Bones turned out awfully. Baby Yoshi ate five berrys and grew up into a normal yoshi. The baby kongs were technically okay, but they were quickly captured by the zoo. Baby King Boo was just a normal boo, which surprised everyone but King Boo (but he never elaborated). Baby Birdo was okay, but male so that was no good! Baby Dry Bones was a normal koopa. The next meeting was noisier than usual. The babies were front seat and were whining, burping, laughing, and doing other stinkier baby things. The adults were tired and red eyed from staying up late at night.  

Mario covered his ears as he stood before the idea board. “Any ideas guys???” he yelled.

Baby Mario raised his tiny hand. “Goo goo goo. Goo goo. Goo.”

“OKAY WE’LL JUST GO WITH THAT. MEETING OVER!”

-BACK TO PRESENT-

Baby Mario was zipping around Baby Park with his other baby pals, Baby Luigi, Baby Peach, Baby Daisy, and Baby Rosalina. The adult racers were either asleep at the wheel because of the exhausting task to babysitting or trying to race in a typical frantic Mario Kart way without actually hurting any of the toddlers. Baby Park was supposed to last seven laps, but babies can’t count, so once they’d gotten use to controlling their motorized vehicles, their laps were reaching the hundreds. It really seemed like the Mario Kart would never end.

Luigi stopped for a pit stop. (That didn’t exist in Mario Kart, but neither did one hundred lap matches, so he made it exist right then.)

He went to the restroom and was washing his face when there was a blast of air and a whispery noise behind him. He turned around.

“We need to talk,” King Boo said.

Luigi gasped. “Oh no, I didn’t booby trap this place.”

“Get a grip, you green loser! I’m not gonna hurt you. We started this baby mess. We have to end it.”

“We??” Luigi shivered.

King Boo nodded. “Yep. If I didn’t attack, you wouldn’t have called that crazy professor over. It’s my fault as much as yours. Now listen up-” King Boo whispered something in Luigi’s ear.

“No, no no!” Luigi backed up until he hit a wall. “But the roster is already bloated enough! You really are a maniac!”

King Boo cackled. “If you can’t beat stupid character inclusions, join em!”

“That makes no sense! Oh no.” But Luigi thought about how annoying the babies were becoming and sighed. “Okay, I’ll do it but… this had better work.”

“It will, green. Would I lie to you?” King Boo said with smirk. 

**TO BE CONTINUED ******

********

********

_Finished: 6/10/18_

Author note: More references to Mario and Bowser: Frenemies Forever. Those two cops were one offs in chapter 19.


	3. The Adulting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chemistry takes a... dark turn!

# Chemistry 3 -The Adulting-

This was a week after the first baby transformed Mario Kart into Baby Kart Wii. (see foot note) King Boo, slightly emaciated due to withdrawal from illegal boo vitamins, stood under a street lamp during a foggy morning. Another figure, tall and lean, crossed him. They stopped before King Boo and tipped their hat. One item was exchanged between the two.

...A poison mushroom. How did it come to this???

-Flash Back-

Mario was lazily on the couch watching the Koopa Bowl with B. Mario beside him.

“Brooklyn Pastas touchdown! Yeah!!” Mario cheered, pumping his fists in the air.

“Goo! Goo!” B. Mario imitated the older fatter plumber perfectly. 

Mario reached his grubby cheesy fingers into the empty large bowl in his lap. “Luigi! More chips!” 

Luigi came into the den wearing a pink flowery apron over his normal clothes. A plate of Mega Goomba’s Mega Cheese snacks with real Moo Moo farm cheddar was in his hands server style.

“Coming right up. Hold on.” Luigi poured some into a smaller bowl for his mini infantile replica to hold. B. Luigi had the full maid outfit on. They delivered to their respective counterparts. 

Mario snatched the bowl. “And do have dinner ready on time.”

“Goo goo!” B. Mario grumbled.

“Yes, ma’am.” Luigi rolled his eyes.

Later, the Luigis were in the basement. 

“They are going down. That goes for you too, Baby Me. I mean you were the first clone. I don’t get how these others have taken over.”

“Goo goo.” B. Luigi pound a fist into his hand.

The next morning…

Luigi held the flashlight while the lights were off in a way that cast shadows over his visage menacingly.

“And today, the Mario empire will fall!” His voice echoed the best it could while down in a basement.

“Goo!” B. Luigi aimed a red laser pointer at a meticulously calculated and detailed twelve step plan. Two problems: the baby was inept in the language department, so the board was full of scribbles that were too dark to see anyway since the flash light remained towards Luigi’s face. Lastly, if the board was illuminated and written in English, it really was a twelve step program explaining how to rejuvenate one’s entire system using only bottled milk (write what you know). Was that three problems actually? Alas, babies couldn’t count either. Even genetically engineered ones.

Mario was upstairs at his throne made from taking the two halves of the couch cushions and arranging them in a triangular tent like shape above his head while he sat under. He clapped three times and after waiting a whopping five seconds, that was much too long!

“Luigi?” Mario asked the empty house. Not even his royal contemporary B. Mario was near as the toddler world leader in training had left not long before for a playdate with B. Peach, B. Daisy, AND B. Rosalina. Not only was he a future dictator, but a ‘player’..

“Luigi.” The red plumbers voice almost rose to a shout, but it didn’t; that would be too much work. Actually clapping would be too much also for the self proclaimed king. So Mario was kind of stuck there, just in time for something to pass so fast all he felt was the wind on his face and the sensation of something being lifted from his head and then replaced. 

“Hello brother.” Luigi crouch down to meet Mario eye to eye in his fortress. 

“There you are. I need to eat and I need a bath run and my clothes ironed, then I need you to book me a nice dinner later.”

Luigi smiled. “Why would I do all of that?”

“Why? Because I'm Mario and you're Luigi.”

Luigi smiled even more broadly. “No, I'm Mario and you're Luigi.”

Mario jumped up, collapsing his couch cushion tent. “What do you mean??”

“I am Mario,” Luigi explained carefully. “I am wearing a red emblem cap and you are sporting a green one just like Luigi, the handsome guy.”

With a start, Mario took off his cap to discover that it was a green L emblem one. He dropped to his knees. “Please forgive me, big brother!”

Luigi stood tall, puffing his chest out like a caricature of the famous plumber. “How about you do those aforementioned things for me? On the double!”

Mario, or 'Luigi’ as he was now, got to work slaving away for his brother. The two were essentially each other now since ‘the hat made the man’!

Later that day, Luigi was in a jacuzzi with a bunch of others. 

“Mario,” Peach said dizzily clinging to his side. “Why don't you get rid of that dumb brother of yours already?”

In the short amount of time that Luigi had assumed Mario’s identity, he’d already been asked out on dates by random people and fans twenty times, Peach had invited him to the castle with a wink, a statue was erected for him, and he’d won a Mushroom Peace prize.

Luigi raised on eyebrow. “Luigi’s pretty great,” he defended, inwardly also cringing at how hypocritical it was to defend essentially himself while using the identity of his life long oppressor to get a voice in the first place. Yes, discussions in jacuzzis could go that deep.

Daisy laughed. “Well duh! He’s cool with me.”

Birdo made a sour face. “Eww, totally not a hottie like Mario though.”

“I agree,” Yoshi said. “Uh, I don’t mean it like that but-”

“What’s wrong with Luigi?” Luigi ‘Mario’ asked.

Peach pointed towards Mario, who was running back and forth with his baby counterpart to attend to the needs of the others at the spa and failing miserably. “Look at him! So fat, so hairy, so ugly. You on the other hand, I don’t know if you’ve been working out, tee hee, but you’ve gotten taller, you moustache has gotten better trimmed, and you even smell better.”

Luigi smiled ear to ear, no longer feeling so guilty after all. He and B. Luigi, who was also getting all of the attention in the children's area of the spa. could get used to being ‘Mario’.

Suddenly, loud banging went on outside like the firing of cannons. Dust fell down from the ceiling as the entire establishment rumbled, sending everyone inside in a panic and forcing them to leave the hot tubs and run around in their swimsuits. The doors were slammed open and none other than the great evil king Bowser Koopa stood in the doorway.

“WHERE’S MARIO!!” he barked.

“Right there!” Mario pointed to his brother with a smirk.

Luigi gulped and his legs shook. “No, he is!”

Bowser growled with a low rumble as he scratched his head. “BUT YOU ARE WEARING MARIO’S HAT. BUT YOU AREN’T AS FAT AS I REMEMBER EITHER. I AM CONFUSED!”

“Dad,” Bowser Junior said, coming up behind his father while being armed with a handheld missile launcher, “that sweat dude over there is the stupid plumber we want. They obviously just swapped hats-”

“WHAT? I CANNOT HEAR YOU SON!” Bowser cupped his ears.

“I said that’s the Mario we want over there!!!” Junior jumped up and down in frustration.

“SON YOU HAVE TO SPEAK VERY LOUDLY BECAUSE I CANNOT HEAR THINGS VERY WELL AFTER TAKING CARE OF THIS LITTLE GUY. ISN’T HE CUTE?!” Bowser revealed out of nowhere another koopa child in his arms bundled by blankets that looked almost identical to Bowser Junior.

“Oh, no, not Baby Bowser! I hate him!” Junior fussed at his clone.

B. Bowser began to sniffle, finally letting out a shrill siren like cry that made everyone have to hold their ears. While everyone else was completely incapacitated Bowser played eeny meeny miny moe deciding which brother was Mario and ultimately chose the guy still standing in the hot tub with a red cap on. Luigi hardly had a chance to move before Bowser made the ambient temperature rise even more blistering hot with his fire breath. 

“Oh no!” Peach exclaimed from the safety of outside along with everyone else. “… Is what I would say if our dear Mario wasn’t inside of there handling this situation.”

“Got that right!” Yoshi paused so that everyone could hear Luigi’s cries for help inside the day spa. “Hear that? That’s the sound of victory.”

Mario crossed his arms. “Yep. ‘Mario’ is a pro.”

“Goo goo!” B. Mario agreed.

Next, Luigi was knocked out of the window by Bowser and his baby counter part ran out of the building sobbing and wetting himself.

“GAH! MARIO WAS VERY EASY TO FIGHT TODAY. I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”

“Daaaad! Please take this stupid baby,” Bowser Junior said, being forced to hold Baby Bowser and rock him to sleep.

“NO. THE BABIES ARE HERE TO STAY SO GET USED TO IT. FOREVER!”

Bowser’s words echoed in Luigi’s mind, not just because Bowser was constantly yelling, and also not because of the concussion he’d just sustained. Assuming Mario’s role had lead to nothing that affected the baby issue. Clearly the sensible thing was to-

Destroy…

 

 

 

...A certain miniature…

 

 

 

 

 

...problem that was also known as…

 

 

 

 

 

...well, maybe it wasn’t the most famous for that but…

 

 

 

 

 

...what were we talking about?…

 

 

 

 

...Oh yeah. Luigi was going to have to kill Mario. 

 

Back to present time:

King Boo glared at Luigi. “What? How is this his fault? It was the professor guy, wasn’t it, you green fool??”

Luigi, hunched over with a cloak over his back, paused. “Mario controls the Mario Kart idea board so with him out of the way, I can take control and ban the babies!” he hissed in an uncharacteristic way.

“Goo goo goo,” B. Luigi tugged on his pant leg disapprovingly. 

Luigi glanced down with sympathy. “I don’t mean you, baby me. You are the original,” he said now in his normal voice.

“Goo?”

“No way, I wouldn’t put you in a science museum either, even if you’d qualify easily and would probably have a better life there considering they’d feed and clothe you for free, which I can't do because Mario kicked me out of his house.” Luigi went back to his evil voice. “Either way, I’m taking the red plumber out!”

King Boo shared the evil look. “Wonderful. Call me tomorrow for the next stage. Bwa ha ha ha!!” He disappeared in the night, leaving the two Luigis so also laugh maniacally under the moon light.

_Footnote:_

_(The wii part was an artifact. Nintendo apparently stole E. Gadd’s idea for the console portable hybrid and released a ‘Nintendo Switch’. Of course, their lame versions weren’t spooky or cobbled from iphone parts so who cares about that? Anyway, people were still calling the later one Wii because of Stockholm Syndrome with the wonderful mess that was Mario Kart Wii’s online mode [R.I.P.] Is this footnote too long? Yes, to quote Dr. Toadley [hint])_

* * *

 

**NEXT TIME: Has the chemistry wars driven heroes to evilness?!? ******

********

********

_Created: 6/10/18, 8/22/18, 9/10/18_


	4. THE FINALE

_6:30 AM- The Mushroom Kingdom_

Mario wakes up abruptly, droplets of perspiration sliding from his forehead to his covers. His breaths are heavy.

“Are you okay?”

Mario tangles himself back into the covers. “I had a dream that I was you for a day. I should be me and you should be you. Either way, thank Eldstar that’s over.”

Mario takes a slow cautious sip of his steaming bowl. It is now eight, their normal breakfast time, and Luigi has mysteriously prepared a special dish just for his brother. Mario is not dumb, he realizes that-

Actually never mind, he’s too hungry to think. His face dives into the bowl, splashing the fresh mushroom stew everywhere. Luigi sits and watches nervously, his own mean untouched. Finally, Mario stands up with his overalls and shirt a shade darker from moisture and his face filmed with broth.

The green brother turns red. “Mario, did any of that even go down your throat?!” 

Mario thoughtfully places his hand on his chin. “Hmm. I wondered why I was never tasting anything other than air. Can’t you just make more?”

Luigi resists the urge to rip out hair. “Yes,” he answers through gritted teeth. He dodges to his bedroom, lunging for his personal cellular phone to dial a number. 

“We must advance the plan!” he growls in the receiver. That is when gently a small hand tugs on his pant leg.

“Goo?” Baby Luigi pleads, craning his neck upwards.

Slowly Luigi’s scowl melts. How could he really strip his brother, the savior of the Mushroom Kingdom of his title forever?”

…

 

“Well, I’ll tell you what,” Luigi says, starting to smile weakly. “Mario isn’t always the best, but he’s the best we got. Maybe I should just talk to him and call all of this other stuff out. King Boo? Uh, hello? Hmm.” Luigi puts the phone down and he can’t get a pickup when calling back.

“Goo….” B. Luigi pouts in disappointment.

Luigi looks down. “Don’t give me that, baby me. There’s no way that guy is going to try to do this alone now.”

 

****

**CHEMISTRY IV: THE FINALE**

 

King Boo checked himself out in the mirror as tall as the ceiling. He straightened out his jewel encrusted golden crown and grinned toothily for good measure. 

“Looking good, hehehe.”

And he really did, 500 years younger at least.

“Now I am ready to visit Luigi so we can do a bad thing and then I can double cross him in the end for no reason!” he admitted conveniently considering he was all alone.

Or not. “STOP!” command someone in a shadow.

“Who dare intrude my wondrous castle!” King Boo bellowed. He saw figures with his night vision. “Step forward or else!”

All of a sudden the lights flip on. The walls were tent fabric in a red and white pattern and the mirror was actually a trick mirror to make you look better, so when King Boo step away from it about fifty pounds were added to him, his teeth were crooked, and his purple eyes were just basic and black.

“I’m gonna havta ask ya all ta go!” said a tall clown with a permanent frown fittingly painted on.

Toadette flung off her hood angrily. “Aww man! And we’d just found him!”

Ushered out of the tent was Toadette, Pink Mii, Toad, Goomba, Noki, and that fat white guy with the fake crown. They all stood around in the middle of a crowded fair going on in Toad Town. There were rides, snacks, and clowns, including that aforementioned white guy.

“Will you stop calling me that!?” King Boo shook his fist at the sky.

“No!” Richard the Mega goomba screamed back.

Jelectro Bond the noki, took off his hood. “Oui, was this not about a baseball game at first and not about whatever this is about now?”

“It’s about strife in your own family and the Eldstar defying ethics of cloning,” Toadette answered. Everyone stared at her blankly.

“Uhhhhh I just thought it was about how we all hated changing diapers,” Toad said, scratching his head. The others agreed to that, even Pink Mii who almost never had a real reaction to anything.

“Yeah, shortie. So you see, we’re pretty upset. Huh!” Richard attempted to shove King Boo around but instead he got bounced back because this spirit was heavy. His spirit was heavy, rather. King Boo. The white guy. Actually no, he was just fat.

“I don’t care what you losers want!!!” King Boo exploded. “I don’t even care that you’re trying in vain to bring some ‘continuity’ in this for the supposed climax! I, King Boo, am going to destroy all the babies and there is nothing you can do to stop me!”

“Oh no!” Toad said. “He said there’s nothing we can do to stop him.”

Toadette turned to Toad. “I’m pretty sure every villain says that. Oh thanks!” Toadette accepted the free red balloon someone gave her. 

“So what are your plans anyway, mon ami?” Bond asked, paying attention closely. “Will it involve that Mario Kart race today that all of us are uninvited to?”

King Boo smirked smugly. “Oh, you mean that place where they were going to gather all of the babies in one spot where it would be extremely easy to annihilate them all at once if… that’s… what.. someone.. was.. planing- THAT’S TOTALLY WHAT I WAS PLANNING AND I DIDN’T JUST THINK OF HOW THAT’S BETTER THAN MY ORIGINAL IDEA OF LURING THEM WITH JEWELRY!”

“Ouch my ears!” Toadette grimaced. “And babies don’t like jewelry! Well they do, but not for the reasons we do. They just thing its a toy-”

“Shhhhh!” Toad covered Toadette’s mouth to her dismay. “Don’t give him any ideas, homegirl. This villain is clearly super smart.”

A bright light bulb appeared over Pink Mii’s head and everyone held their breath, thinking that possibly this default Mii might have something worthwhile to add only to be sourly disappointed when that ‘bulb’ was revealed a second later to be the yellow bulbous nose of yet another clown standing.

“Scam, all of youse! Ya didn’t pay for a ticket!”

Meanwhile…

“Teehee! The babies will adore this!” Peach sway with the pop music playing on the bus she drove towards the park. Tucked in the back seats were Baby Mario, Baby Peach, Baby Daisy, Baby Rosalina, and Baby Bowser. It was a shame Baby Luigi couldn’t make it, in fact he was really the only baby clone that was stuck to the hip of his original. The other babies were certainly okay with the adult version of themselves, but they mostly had their own internal click. She was also kind of relieved. That was one less baby that would be under the sole responsibility of just her and Daisy, her passenger that was beginning to snore.

Peach nudged the brunette. “Daisy, dear. Wake up!” Peach knew Daisy could stay up all night competitive gaming.

Daisy’s eyes fluttered under the sunglasses she wore. “I’m toootallly awake. Yep, and ready for the Koopa Dragon Death Roller coaster.”

Peach frowned slightly. “Not with these one day year olds.”

Daisy wagged a finger. “They’re biologically two to three years old. That’s right, I actually listened to that crazy looking professor guy.” She turned back to the kids. “Do ya’ll want to ride?”

“Yaaaaaaaaay!” cheered the babies, Baby Bowser being the loudest.

Daisy turned back to Peach with a look of ‘I told you so’. Peach drove up to the entrance right as Toadette and her gang and King Boo were being escorted out.

Toadette, still wearing that baggy hoodie, pointed two fingers from her eyes to King Boo’s. “We’ll meet again at the race.”

“From the sidelines, you mean. We’re ALL secondary characters. Know your place!” King Boo replied with so much vitriol and bitterness that even Toad, who had the advantage of being a composite character, felt his popularity dwindle just a bit.

On the other side however, separated by the ticket booth, all the kids were walked out of the bus with Baby Bowser straddling along in the rear. He was conflicted because he’d dropped his pacifier on the bus’s floor and couldn’t bring himself to use it again happily like the others. Why? Well, possibly because he was actually a six year old who was posing as a two to three year old who he’d tricked into doing his chores at the castle for him so that he could enjoy the life of the over rated babies. 

“They’ll never know the difference, hehehehe. It’s all because they reused character designs. I should do this for ever and ever and ever,” Bowser Junior thought out loud, being careful to not seem too thoughtful lest he blow his cover. 

 

****

**5:50 -The Race.**

 

Mario was waiting on the sidelines of a stadium among hundreds all gathered to watch the exclusive new ‘baby cup’ version of Mario Kart. At the starting line were all the babies ready to captivate audiences with their cuteness, innocence, and absolute merciless approach to racing. Injuries weren’t just predicted, they were certain. Tears would be shed. Feelings hurt. 

“No, no no,” the red plumber muttered, running his hands through his hair.

He stood up and Peach, Yoshi, and may others, even his brother’s eyes lay upon him. 

“… Ah, thanks. It’s all good now.” Mario was given his second serving of pasta delivered in a golden plate, as apparently he was just hungry. “Forget what just happened. LET THE GAMES BEGAN!” 

Lakitu held the checkered flag. “Ready?” Set?”

“GOOO!” B. Mario finished. 

B. Peach used her little pink buggy to make a wide turn on the dirt track. She closed in on B. Luigi. 

BAM!

In the stands, Luigi shield his eyes. “I can’t watch this infant on infant violence.”

“We can though,” said Yoshi, munching on popcorn. Others agreed heartily.

B. Rosalina drove a kart that sparkled, using it to drive figure eights to show off. Her fans went wild.

“Oh, they adore me!” the adult version said in a demure fashion. 

“Hold on there, blondey,” Birdo said with sass. “We’re fans of the little boo down there. Not you.”

“Very well...” Rosalina sunk low and a single tear was shed. (See? We warned you.)

Meanwhile B. Daisy slammed B. Mario all the way into the sidewalls made of rubber bouncy tires. 

“No! This is an outrage!” Mario tossed his golden dish while Daisy conversely sprung up like it was a personal victory. It wasn’t, because she wasn’t going to show up in anymore games any time soon.

Baby Bowser was terrorizing B. Peach by keeping up with her zippy cart very well, almost too much. He was also the only one speaking English.

“Sucker!” B. Bowser knocked B. Mario away. “She’s mine!”

“That’s my genetically enhanced clone,” Bowser said with real pride. “He’s already more successful, less whiny, and less embarrassing, that you.” He sneered at his biological son sitting next to him in the stands. ‘Junior’ took the insult well, preoccupying himself by jingling some noisy keys and only responding with baby sounds.

And now, in the shadows lurked…. Another shadow!

King Boo suited as a merchant set up a stand right next to Toad who was also selling stuff. 

“Homeboy, I was here first,” Toad said.

King Boo continued to set up his table with some yellow and pink crowns on it. There were many, even with ‘made in Japan’ tags on them.

Annoyed but too lazy to really do anything else, Toad sighed. “Bro.”

Richard waddled over. “Oh it’s you again! That fat white guy!”

King Boo’s eye twitched, but he continued the plan. Spinning around to face them in a creepy manner, “I’ll leave, but first take a free hat.”

“FREE?!” Richard practically knocked the table down trying to grab a crown. “Uh, I think the size is a little small or- Wait a minute.”

In a flash, the mega goomba had transformed. Instead of teetering on seven feet tall he was now a normal five ten human with tan skin wearing a long dress that of a camo green pattern that was initially the shirt he wore. Long black hair flowed freely from that same crown. 

“IT WORKED,” King Boo said, cackling.

“OH MY GOD!” Richard paused. “Hold my purse,” he said in a girly fashion to Toad. Richard in his princess form began to fight King Boo while another person came up to set up a new stand.

“Have I come to sell Miracle Toadley cures? Yes I have,” said the one and only Dr. Toadley. The toad in purple garb had many blue bulb like containers on his table.

King Boo was actually being beaten up quite badly, but it could be worse, it was a hot woman now walloping on him. Meanwhile Toad who was stupid, had already forgotten what the free crowns did so he was wearing one now. He transformed into yet another person of a Peach likeness only with paler skin, and a blue dress with red hair. But again he was stupid so he didn’t even realize that he looked any different and waved casually to Toadette and the rest of the squad coming up.

“Who are you?” Toadette asked. Her stand was a traveling one strapped to her back full of finger rings intended for ‘shipping’ pairs. You know, hitching up characters, ‘cause if there was one thing that disrupted fandoms it was that.

“It’s your homeboy Toad,” Toad replied with a confused look on his Peachly visage. “Did you sell anything?”

“None at all,” Toadette answered, catching on excellently. She was obviously an author avatar or something. The Pink Mii nodded, not that she had caught on to anything or had brain activity. 

“And I see here what your excellent plan is,” Jelectro said as he understood as well.

King Boo, now with a red face and a black eye, flung Richard off of him. “Duh, you plebeian. The crowns are to-”

“Distract the common population with a new fad instead of the baby one-”

King Boo froze for a second. “…THAT’S TOTALLY WHAT MY PLAN WAS GOING TO BE AND NOT SOMETHING ELSE WAY MORE COMPLICATED!”

Toadette held her ears. “Ouch!!! I’m not using my body for science. Not even to drive the plot point back.”

“Do I have a thing for you? Yes I do!” Dr. Toadley said dramatically. “My cures cure anything!” 

“We’ll see about that!” Richard took a big gulp of one of those cures. In another flash Richard was again a mega goomba.

“How amazingly convenient,” Toadette thought.

* * *

It was fifteen minutes since the match started when Luigi got tired of covering his eyes. When he did so, focusing first on the dirt track, all seemed normal. The babies were still on the track wasting time until their fuel would run out, but there was something else. Looking around it was like he was in an entirely new crowd. 

A crowd of identicals.

“Peach?” he addressed the person to his right.

That person turned to him while holding a familiar golden bowl of pasta. “Bro, who you’re calling Peach? I mean, I get why you’re doing it, ever since Toadette was handing out these free imported Super Crowns everyone has been looking like Peach.”

“Including yourself?” Luigi gasped.

‘Mario’ blinked twice. “What?”

Luigi slapped his face. He got up and stared into the blue sky wondering what horrible force was continuing this idea. “That’s not how this works! That’s not how any of this works!”

“Pssst.”

Tuning to his left, he saw King Boo as their normal self. “I just couldn’t sellout, not even for the readers.”

“Or me?” Luigi asked. 

King Boo paused. He noticed for the first time how innocent and blue Luigi’s eyes were...

 

 

****

**CHEMISTRY V: MAYBE NOT THE FINALE AFTER ALL**

* * *

Created: 10/4/18, 10/5, 10/17

Author notes: This was supposed to be a fandom wank satire story so the topics are literally anything relevant in the world of Mario.

Stay tuned!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Once a tumblr exclusive. Older drafts (all three !!! of them) can be found there under boomaster-amia tumblr. This may also contain in-jokes and references to some of my other fanfics. Enjoy!


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